a conversation with My dad
N: My writing is becoming dark…
D: (**softly**) You will be okay.
to sieve through Shock/Returning Whole
to live with (the) fire; to be alive with (the) fire. to continue on living, unburned...
Monologue 1: Gut sinking Feeling
- - - - - - - - - - - relearning compassion- - - - - - - - - - - - - - -relearning kindness- - - - - - - - - - - doing things from a place of love- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - understanding free will- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - it should be because I/ you/ we/ want to.
lessons on Defusing - Speaking love into rage and anxiety
when your body is no longer at war with the external but it is struggling internally (embrace it gently)
when the body knows all of the things that it needs to rescue it but it is still struggling internally (embrace it gently)
when the body understands gestures of love but the mind tames it,
convinces it internally that it is undeserving, unwanted, undesired
everyday it is undoing.(embrace it gently)
when the body and mind knows that it is love that can save it
teach it how to receive it
teach it to know what it feels like
teach it how to sustain it
teach it to know how to reciprocate it
teach it how to sustain it
teach it to be grounded by it
teach it to be free.
don’t go outside with Your heart, mind and spirit unbound
they say “you are always calm.”
I told them that it’s a safety mechanism for when I don’t know how to deal with trauma. I told them that I know how to jump off an unstoppable train but I’m still drowning in the depths of a sea.
“how you Gon’ win when you not right within?” (after Lauryn Hill)
they said “in your world there is no compassion”
there is a reason why we are here. they said “you can be extremely good and extremely bad. Grey areas do not exist for you.”
she held the mirror back up.
said all that you can do is learn but don’t internalise.
how did we get here?
neck tight, can’t breathe. desperate to leave.
legs tight, stepping is hard. is this what it feels like to come undone?
there is only so many ways to say freedom yet it is still so hard to breathe.
Elder: “leave space to breathe, to be with breath, your ancestors encircle you.”
disorientation: tasting a fireball
Savour rage like it’s a piece of candy as you put it into your mouth. Take delight in its burns until it stains your entire mouth red.
Roll it around the tongue, the middle, the sides and at the back. Flip it around until your saliva strips it of its identity. shrink it before it stays permanently in your inner home. let your tongue make it sweet.
how to love (ourselves) enough…?
a ha! I see it now. and so it begins, honour all of the women within
Collage Drawing created during Art Work Sessions workshop hosted by /Xam Fortuin
forgive (self) for giving the mind permission to be misled, for how do you expect it to know what is true?
Collage drawing created in Art Sessions Workshop Hosted by /Xam Fortuin
Palms open, recitation 1
Never give people who never knew you the permission to undo the parts that made you beautiful. give permission to the women who live within you, to still love you whole. Give the women who live within you permission to hold the pieces of you that came apart at the seams.
give the women who live within permission to rewrite your story. give the women who live within permission to try again, over and over again. give the women who live within permission to remind you, you are humxn
give your/their heart permission to know that it was always held. led. protected. guided. loved. caressed. real. untainted.because the only people you need to convince is the woman who is living within.
podcast: Creative Humility ft. Willow Smith and Zane Lowe
fall apart. crumble. fade away. walk away and never look back.
Palms Open, Recitation 2
always keep your creative space pure. always keep your creative space pure. always keep your creative space pure.always keep your creative space pure.
one truth I am certain about is “I don’t want to die for a title” (SIR - Redcorn)
teach me to speak lovingly to my rage because my body is tired of carrying it.
how to love ourselves enough. notes from sketchbook
reel it in. speak your truth. talk your sh!t -don’t stay there too long.
Palms open, Recitation 3:
I am not one of them! I am not one. I am not one of them. I am not one of them. I am not one of them.
do the work that has been entrusted within you.
drawing created during workshop with /Xam Fortuin
Palms open, Recitation 4
stay full. stay fulfilled. stay pure. stay full. stay fulfilled. stay pure.stay full. stay fulfilled. stay pure.
Response on creative humility. listening to apple podcast interview between Willow Smith and Zane Lowe.
Palms open, Recitation 5
Undo undo undo undo undo undo. unravel unravel unravel unravel. undo undo undo undo undo.
I now know what I/you/we are!
A Ticking Time Bomb
read a text, calm the nerves - tell me how to soothe a burning bone.
moments of pause. (digress)
heal within - are you going through a tough time in your spirit? I can’t feel my fingers and toes.
draw a coil with a string = tracing. sift it past your hands like it was a set of prayer beads.
take deep breaths, one for atonement, another for compassion, and the third for your resurrection.
this body is not mine anymore.
pathways.connect.more life lines.let the heat leave your body. let the swelling go down.
building a coil = a line drawing.layering. obsessing.can you feel the body coming back to life?
performative drawing facilitated by text and props.=teddy bears. protecting the inner child.i can sense when we are not fine.
text/script as a kind of guide. it is also the story telling that…never mind.
just… flow… push back. push. remember who you are always!
sign.
…continue. never apologise for your gift.
canvas drawings.blue stamp held by a participant.torn cupcake cups, markers delineating.i can’t be held hostage in my gift.
holding lines that move…asking God, please protect us all.
Potential Curriculum: On being Present /create an intuitive drawing
Potential Curriculum:On Being Present/Create an Intuitive Drawing, notes from sketchbook 2024
Life Lines: “How do you speak everyone’s love languages”
“how do you speak everyone’s love languages/having a connection with your intuition”, notes from sketchbook 2024
disambiguation II:
studio notes 2022 (August House/End Street Studios)
studio notes 2022 (August House/End Street Studios)
studio notes 2022 (August House/End Street Studios)
studio notes 2022 (August House/End Street Studios)
disambiguation
Closure(s)/Withdrawals
Track List:
A Fallist’s Prayer -Keenan Meyer, Muneyi
9 - WILLOW
Samurai -Lupe Fiasco
Mi Amor - AYLØ, Le Mav
Fall in love - Slum Village
Break you off - The Roots, Musiq Soulchild
Thieves in the night- Black Star
With Open Arms - Ogranya
Men at the Garden - Kendrick Lamar
Stay awhile - Foggieraw, Ari Lennox
Magnolia Rain - Samara Cyn
Last Supper - D Smoke
Found my light - Imaan, The Layabouts
Chosi Chosi - Camagwini
I might be in love with you - Cynthia Erivo
Soul Food-Priddy Ugly, ZuluMecca
Stand Tall - Rapsody
Do for Love - 2Pac
Sawa Street-Imvemnyama
Isiphelo (#untitled)- Bongeziwe Mabandla
Cleva- Erykah Badu, Roy Ayers
Believe - Soldiers of Twilight
believe me - Jay Taj
Childs Play - SZA, Chance the Rapper
uthixo ukhona - iphupho l’ka Biko
too bad and I forget - Alex Isley, Jack Dine
VAR - Dlala Thukzin, Goldman
can’t stay - Odeal
Spirit 2.0 - Sampha
Being Loved - Latanya Alberto
Colour of you - Kabomo, Nothende Madumo
hold on to your dreams - Wee Gee
there will be no more crying - cleo sol
spend the day with me - Fiji Mageba, Amaris soul
Surrender - Solo Ntsizwa ka Mthimkhulu, Lungelo Manzi
forgiveness - rum.gold
Bophelo - Maglera Doe Boy, Onedelive, Lia Butler
Konka - Khuli Chana, Tarmasha
Redemption-indoors is safer
I didn't save my heart on time
I didn't save my heart on time
——————————————————————
————————————————————————————————————————————————-y.
Redemption looks like protecting (my, your, our) heart.
I fail, fall, jump and free dive to survive. I dance, sing to breathe. I do mind walking, paragliding, free climbing because that’s all that this body is familiar with. I may risk it all. you become the company you keep- when you recognise a misalignment. energy can be tainted - in muddy ways. discernment ma luv!
it seems we are always asking each other: Are you worthy? as opposed to asking do you actually know my heart?
I walk away maybe lurking in the shadows learning that creativity should feel like home, gratitude are anchoring points. knowing oneself too. being misunderstood is part of it. Messages are everywhere, they just require deeper modes of feeling, looking, hearing and seeing. balance/reciprocity (doing things with the same energy that’s what I mean - not the transactional type of reciprocity). cause everything is energy. And, if it’s meant to empower others - make it sustainable. tse ngata di tlogele modimo.
I walk away constantly asking - teach me how to love (Musiq Soulchild). teach me your love languages. and that with me - I don’t need you to feel the pressure to be on the same page as me. just flow when you are with me, but do it knowing that you are free to walk away when you have had enough. that’s what you should feel when you are with me. Flow like you are at home, in your space.
“Love”, don’t EVER neglect it. don’t risk it all
are you holdIng each other accountable In your “communities”?
Ts&Cs
don’t confuse codependency with community.communityshould be about acknowledging differences, and not needing to assimilate. it is intersectional. But it should mostly be about reminding and bringing out each others light.i think it requires a practice that asserts the individual and the collective. allowing everyone who is in a community to feel like they are rooted - every one in community must be rooted because it is meaningless when one of you is left behind
i’ve felt lonely in a community before.Have you? -a rambling loner
God! a nightmare - becoming the thing that one dreads.
on time
time travel -time speak to me now
on joy (a response to an afropessimist)
are you asking us to make space for contradictions in our quest for joy/freedom? (cause both are hard and complex)/how does it make space for curiosity?(curiosity is a life giving fuel) - its for the dreamers, the brave and the hustlers/how does it negotiate accessibility?(make it make sense - double entendre) - cause casualties are inevitable in a battle/will the ship come back to fetch those who don’t have the sophisticated language because they are speaking and living …from the township, rural, informal, all a lived experience?
run away from the world? … perhaps. how do we relate this back to our people. access…? Bus e ngwetswe - we are asking people things they already know about themselves. some things are obvious- what about reminding them of their inner intelligence - their super power? to the afropessimist: is freedom a contradiction in your imagination?or are you asking people who have tasted a little bit of freedom, to not be hopeful? we all deserve to be comfortable.
even in the quest for joy and freedom, there’ll always be a prominent moment,interaction and an experience that reminds us of our differences.that regardless of how hard we may strive towards these pleasantries/a movement towards joy, freedom, I am still left with more questions: what needs to happen for (us) to collectively/individually to just be? what needs to happen to make this real? how do we practice accountability next to joy and freedom in the face of being reminded that you are a sub?
on being humxn
UBUNTU remember?BLACK CONSCIOUSNESS, remember -HE ASKS US “WHAT IS OUR STRATEGY FOR LIBERATION?” he tell us that it is a collective responsibility. ALL OF US ARE RESPONSIBLE! if we want to envision a world that is - free of non racialism - nondiscrimination, a world that is rooted in love. collapsing power and dominance, we have a responsibility to work towards this together but Biko also said that no one is coming to save us(black people) because “black man you are on your own.”- there’ll always be things that will remind you of your differences.now again I ask, are you holding each other accountable in your communities? can you actually hear your thoughts?IS IT STILL WORTH BEING LOYAL TO?
oh,NB:systems are targeting children. using children as weapons. the biggest crime. a worrisome crime.scary times. there is a problem. evil. the fight continues.(it’s scary when they die in spaces where they are supposed to be safe.)
introspect introspect introspect introspect!
on feelings: don’t dishonour your feelings.
“Misunderstandings”:
is being hopeful still a delusion?… because my heart won’t stop believing. Intuition saves us all the time. Mine says stay hopeful. what about yours?
—————————————————————————————————————————————————————. i am even questioning my own truths.
———————————-
Violence.
“————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————- "
ho fetile. let go - kganya. lesedi.
I am always ———
let go - kganya. lesedi.
Emotional. Mental and spiritual.abuse. trauma.shock.
That’icover - ho hubi f…d up! crazy stuff…!
indoors is safer.
indoors is safer.
reading: sample. resonate. “focus” blunt writing- I’m obsessed generally with the truth but at whose cost? I prefer writing that calls for kindness. redemption.self redemption. love - not just within but love within creativity. we don’t conjure. we feel. what we feel is real. no more casualties in this war.
don’t ever let anyone make you feel like you have your hands tied against your back.PUSH BACK, ALWAYS!
I know my body and it is experiencing shock.
don’t stop cultivating your own protective barriers.
My own safety kit? OF COURSE,EVERYTHING YOU MAKE HAS ALWAYS BEEN A SIGN(AL)!
A PRECAUTION.
AT THE TIME I DIDNT KNOW WHY I WAS DOING IT
THE THINGS THAT ARE BORN FROM OUR HANDS ARE MESSAGES THAT HAVE BEEN ENCODED BY AN UNDERSTANDING THAT IS GREATER THAN OURS.
making: fingers moving. unbending. mending. fixing. helping. guiding. pointing. kneading,needing the reflexes.flexibility.slowly? bones locking. arthritis. massage. touch. exhausted. autopilot mode and counting.
I watched myself walking away from my own heart(creative safety zone).
BODY: you only have one.
reasoning:
I dropped my guard
trusted easily because I don’t want to assume the worst. because I don’t see bad first until my intuition starts flagging. I see goodness.always.
STOP betraying your intuition!
I stopped counting my scars.
honey, those are eventually going to come out on their own.you won’t be able to stop the rage.
it is possible to stop the rage however not everyone is fortunate to access the help.
self compassion le self love Ntwana. o tlaba shap…
“just be on your own side for once”
be there. show up ngwanyana! let all of your light shine.
make sense?
mata(friend)
disorientation.
uproot.
improvise - just make it happen
anxiety inducing … I can’t breathe.
always in my head.
perhaps I am imagining things.
don’t forget who you are?
healing: Party Packs. Safety Kits (semantics)= the innocent things. keep your creative space pure.
believe in the madness - trust it.
Rotated shhhhh. inflamed bbbbb. internal physical trauma.
run
run
shock responses!
for
for
I didn’t know! …I still don’t know
most of my ……. come from ….
Nyakallo Maleke “Put Yourself First” (2024) Drawing. cotton thread marker on poly cotton fabric. photo credit: Peter Oliver Wolff
shown in exhibition: Resilience: Pleasure and Self Care in a Precarious World curated by Thuli Mlambo James Eigen+ Art Lab
pause…
Just,
please
breathe:
don’t forget to keep your heart soft.