Disambiguation III: Arrivals, Crash Landings, Departures and a Reawakening

an experimental text on navigating shock, trauma, creative exhaustion, hyper empathy and energy

“WE” may have been swallowed whole by an inheritance that “we” don’t want.

So now that “we” have arrived here, what will “we” do with it?

absorbed into the darkness. absorbed into a world already described. absorbed by others and their politics. absorbed by desires and negotiating which ones belong to us and “I”. absorbed by illusions. absorbed by trying. “but we have been here before - why are you surprised?”. absorbed by the effort of fulfilling “their” movements as the personal neglects its own. a death of the multiple selves residing within. absorbed by forgetting. absorbed by power, seduced by clout. absorbed by the hunt. disorientated by the pace. I don’t mind falling behind.

exhausted from giving but will continue to do it because that is who you/we are. absorbed by conflicts that don’t belong to us. absorbed by anxiety. drowning in shock. absorbed because now “you’ve become just like them!” because projections never end. on second thoughts… “BREATHE”

so I recite softly:

“I am not the people who hurt you…”

and I recite again softly:

“I am also not them…”

absorbed by expectations because I no longer know what I want.

absorbed by ladders too high to climb. absorbed by titles. absorbed by the delusion. absorbed by lies. absorbed into daily violences In spaces where we may be misleading each other. do you remember what your voice sounds like untainted?

absorbed by seeing. absorbed by promises.absorbed into speech. speak the truth in the circles. absorbed by pretence.“BREATHE” absorbed by the past. How did we get here, again “BREATHE” absorbed because we want to be chosen. absorbed by knowing too much. absorbed into the games. Hypnotised. “we” are all sinking.“BREATHE

interactions/place are starting to feel claustrophobic. “we” need time apart.

absorbed by (people) pleasing. absorbed by talking. absorbed by desperation. “BREATHE” absorbed in the manipulation. absorbed by the trauma. “BREATHE” my body is morphing and spaces reveal what rests within because spaces trap energy. absorbed into alliances. absorbed by the “us vs them” conversations. absorbed by fitting in. absorbed by NOISE and absorbed into it. trust where you are being led. “BREATHE” absorbed by distractions. absorbed by the loyalty tests. absorbed by fatigue. absorbed by image. absorbed by control “lets switch over to video mode, I want to see your reactions”. absorbed by being there. we are just hurting each other now. absorbed by broken situationships. maybe we need to be clear. but even when we sit here, one of us still bleeds.“BREATHE” it is just too dark here. “BREATHE” absorbed by looks. absorbed in misunderstandings. absorbed by the idea of us. I am learning about love. "BREATHE” absorbed by doing. absorbed by everything that is external. too many narcissists. “BREATHE”too many bullies.“BREATHE” RESIST!“BREATHE”PUSH BACK HARDER!“BREATHE!”

looping never stops. bartering. exchange. trade. underscoring. “BREATHE” absorbed by this transactional language. tongue tied. I no longer want to speak this broken language. “places”/ “spaces”/ “faces” are dishonest and I think that I have arrived here before. absorbed by absorbing. the inner beings are starting to retract within for self preservation.

It knows that this is not who I/you/we are or who I/you/we want to be.

“we” seem to be absorbed whole by things that are untrue.

dissolved

“BREATHE”…

I no longer want to do the work of convincing anymore because my heart has run out of proof.

“BREATHE”…

create In stIllness .

create away from the/their N O I S E.

BREATHE

BREATHE

absorbed by consuming. “BREATHE OUT” “BREATHE OUT” absorbed by hatred.“BREATHE OUT” absorbed by fear.“BREATHE OUT” BREATHE OUT” “BREATHE OUT” “BREATHE OUT”absorbed by coldness. coldness.coldness. coldness. coldness. coldness. coldness. coldness. coldness. absorbed by time. absorbed by the fire“BREATHE OUT”“BREATHE OUT.

“FADE OUT”

check your blindspot, sounds like … is trying to make … y..o..u step funny!

“BREATHE OUT”

solitude

will

always

be safer.

*interlude*

I don’t want the praises. they make me cringe internally. I don’t want the praises. I don’t want the praises. they. make. me. cringe. cringe. they make me cringe.

I still

don’t

want

the

praises.

tainted.

so no, “I don’t want to time travel anymore I just want to be here!” - Erykah Badu.

“BREATHE”

now that I am here,

feet numb.legs aching. burning bones. joints locking.lips numb.body tense. improvisation is the body’s programming. still jumped even when it was tired. jump! jump! jump! jump!jump! jump! jump! jump!jump! jump! jump! jump! jump! … jump!jump!jump!jump!jump!…jump!… jump!..jum..m..p! I can’t breathe. jump! jump! jump!ju..m.ppp! but still its too high to reach.

ju….umph

I was taught no one ever gets left behind.street friends, perservere

is there a way to undo it all?

perhaps “normal” is better? a taste of something that feels a little bit more traditional? (like looking back?) no! push forward.

I think “we” have been here before. passionate, hopeful, willing, deliberate consistent, careful.

derailed.

unthorough, uncouth, offensive, vulgar, removed far out and far right.

“we” have also been here before, polite, nice, tolerating while turning inside out. turning upside down!

“I”:looking away, you become unrecognisable because trust is such a foreign concept within and so “I” look for it in a skewed concept of “them”. an obscured trust. “I” have become scared to even ask who am “I”?/who is “I” because “I” stopped writing with, alongside and for that important question:

who is it all for?

“BREATHE OUT”

so “I” step back. revoked the access within. recognised where “I” stand and chose contentment.

“I”:NEVER GIVE UP!

beautiful things can become contaminated too.

“I”:NEVER GIVE UP!

//

*smoke disappearing*

“learning how to disappear”

“BREATHE OUT”

roots dangle mid air. mishandled. ripped. detached from the ground, urgently wanting to be returned back into the darkness.

body covered in dust. suggest the best way to undo it all, after the body has avalanched through space and time to survive?

“crash landing!”

“I”: I met different versions of self. a softer “I”, a quiet “I”, a bolder “I” , and “I” that was more sure. an “I” that went with the flow. because that’s how “we” move. can I ask for that pace again?

and if I could get it back before danger lurked, ahead, I would not have asked “how did “we” get here?”

spiralling in different languages because I am not sure if this voice was audible enough.

and still, “we” have been here before and still you spiralled again. DAMN!

even when “I” have fallen. why does it feel like I have not landed? legs up, hands up. body, just floating in one place.

someone once asked “so where does all of this come from?”

-it is an unwanted inheritance I said.

whose language is it anyway? “their” indoctrination? “their” reality. “their” movements. “their” positioning. I don’t want “their” traumas. I don’t want “their” anger nor do I want “their” tears and confusions. fighting other peoples fights is exhausting. it is time for difference. a different language and tone.people are messy.spaces are messy. they leave all of their nightmares behind with you.

the last attempt. diversify. inclusivity. values.principles. humanity. what is my politic? integrate. hope. more hope. Stay Alive.

pause

deep inhale

show me hope. teach me peace. gift me with patience. I want to speak in all of its dialects.

…so I ask again, is there a way to undo it all, cause if not, politely,I ask please count me out.